When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
