Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
