she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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