apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
