Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
