I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize