I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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