Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
