They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
