my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
