Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
