Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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