I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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