why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
