I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize