dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
