i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
you made out with another girl for some wings
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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