that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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