Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
