Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
dude. I can hear the air.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
