the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
don't judge my taste in strippers
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize