I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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