My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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