My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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