VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
