one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
