Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
