Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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