just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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