Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
