I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
