its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
