The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
