My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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