I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
