Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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