she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
