just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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