so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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