I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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