someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
