He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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