lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
