I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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