Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
