Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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