I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ketchup is God's man juice
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
