therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
