I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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