apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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