I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
it's like heaven, but drunker
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
