Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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