I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
