I wish I could punch you in the face.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
