He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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