I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
