Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
