He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
