dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
